Here we are. The first week of my third year of college. I can't complain about my classes.. I love them all. I actually have no legitimate complaints right now aside from my complete lack of sentiment regarding anything. Nothing seems to spark an emotional high.. that nothingness only seems to petrify my emotional low. I'm unconscious as to the rationale of my emotional state. I only know that something has to occur, and soon, to remove me from my current emotional neurosis.
I'm scared, I don't know of what.
I'm tired, even though I sleep.
I'm sick.
My mental state is affecting my physical state.
Why?
Maybe I'm afraid of insignificance.
Maybe I'm tired of monotony.
Maybe I'm sick of myself.
Maybe I'm manic, depressed, unbalanced, nonsensical.
insane.
Choose your synonym. I'm sure it applies here.
There is a bottle of Welbutrin XL in my medicine cabinet.
It's almost full.
I've been off anti-depressants for over a year.
I cannot throw them away.
I loathe dependence.
My invisible crutch.
Depression; Yes or No?
Yes and No.
I'm maniacally sane.
I'm integrally broken.
Nothing makes sense.
Maybe it isn't supposed to.
Maybe tomorrow is my savior.
Maybe tomorrow is my breaking point.
Maybe yesterday was.
Maybe.
Maybe everything.
The aggregate of my life is in today.
In tomorrow.
In every day.
And every day is nothing to tomorrow.
I conclude nothing. I never expect to. I only raise more questions.
I do come away with one thing.
This prayer. My prayer.
Lord, make my life significant. Let me fulfill your will. Whatever that may be.
Amen.
2 comments:
keep writing...
Your life, though it may feel insignificant to you....is inspirational to me...and I'm sure to others as well.
Many of us see ourselves when we read your blog....though few of us will ever have the honesty to admit it. It's too scarey.
So...continue on...not only for yourself...but for those of us who do not have the words to express how we feel....
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